Victoria Coren Mitchell - Writer, Broadcaster & Poker Player

Caption Competition

Wednesday, 5 October 2011

  Yesterday, this photo was taken at the EPT High Roller tournament in London and put up online.


  John Duthie showed it to me on his iPhone, and neither of us had any idea what had been happening when it was taken. That’s despite the fact that it had only been taken an hour before. Jeez, with brain capacity like that, what chance did we stand in the tournament?

  So: let’s have a CAPTION COMPETITION and maybe it will jog my memory. No prizes; it’s just for the hell of the thing. Keep it clean…

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Jonty at 9:11 am on October 5th, 2011

“You raised with THAT?”

Emmeline at 9:43 am on October 5th, 2011

“A goldfish might be your lucky charm but you’re not supposed to bring a live one!”

psychofant at 10:08 am on October 5th, 2011

OMG!  ok, you go “all in” with that, and i will call the ambulance!

psychofant at 10:17 am on October 5th, 2011

” i didnt know the greek finance minister had even entered the tournament ”

Justin at 10:57 am on October 5th, 2011

It’s called a Silence…  now just let me put this tick mark on your arm.

Adam at 11:34 am on October 5th, 2011

“Hold this compact open while I check for broccoli.” (Sorry, Victoria!)

terry hau at 12:44 pm on October 5th, 2011

look at that….full tilt’s on tilt…!

BenButton at 12:51 pm on October 5th, 2011

And I thought ‘that’ picture of John Noakes and Shep was only a legend…

Or “So THAT’S what Brynn and Jason got up to on the fishing trip!” (Gavin and Stacey joke there, if the reference is lost on people…)

Paul at 1:50 pm on October 5th, 2011

Christ - you said it was big!

Bill Green at 1:54 pm on October 5th, 2011

As the Invisible Man performed the Heimlich manoeuvre, John Duthie explained that these aren’t the edible kind of chips.

Andy C at 2:44 pm on October 5th, 2011

“How come they all got HIGNFY repeat fees?”

Graham158 at 3:33 pm on October 5th, 2011

Victoria, you have a bogey hanging from your nose and this is an iPhone app called ‘MIRROR’

psychofant at 4:44 pm on October 5th, 2011

jodie marsh, looks more like rodney marsh!

Timothy J Swann at 5:02 pm on October 5th, 2011

The Only Connect viewing figures are what?

AndytheDealer at 8:39 pm on October 5th, 2011

This is what aces look like Vicky.

martin at 3:20 am on October 6th, 2011

Are those the deadly eye of horus?!

Peter Flint at 7:16 am on October 6th, 2011

John shows Vicki that Giles has more twitter followers than she does.

Peter Flint at 7:18 am on October 6th, 2011

I know you said ‘keep it clean’, but I couldn’t resist: “When you said Liv Boeree had top pair,  I didn’t think you meant that!”.

palladian at 3:11 pm on October 6th, 2011

1. “Amanda Knox acquitted! Damn, I was on conviction at 3/1.”

2. “So that’s why you call it your lucky charm!”

3. “You swine! You promised me you’d deleted those photos.”

PokerMonkey at 5:19 pm on October 6th, 2011

‘OMG a £5 complimentary food voucher for a £20K buy-in tournament - you do spoil us EPT players John!’

The Tim at 5:39 pm on October 6th, 2011

How about:

‘Alex Guttenplan’s marrying someone else’


‘The BBC announces it’s just made Robert Kilroy Silk the new presenter of Only Connect as they can no longer afford Victoria Coren.’

(please no!).

(BTW the security word came up automatically without my having to type it.)

lizardgirl at 7:24 pm on October 6th, 2011

Victoria can’t believe John completed an Only Connect wall in 30 seconds

The Tim at 10:38 pm on October 6th, 2011

“That gives a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘Texas Hold’em.’ ”

john at 2:54 am on October 7th, 2011

Shock… as poker player notices herself in caption competition

john at 2:58 am on October 7th, 2011

Poker player surprised when sees new FHM list has her at number 1

Victoria Coren at 11:51 am on October 7th, 2011

Memory jogged! Not by these excellent caption suggestions, but by John Duthie himself, who I saw in the Vic yesterday. He’d remembered: this was the moment he showed me, during the High Roller competition, that the 5000 denomination chips were exactly the same shape and basically same colour as the 25,000 denominations.
  I can’t imagine how THAT might go wrong…

  (Not to spoil the flow of alternative ideas; do send more if you have them!)

Sparkly at 12:29 pm on October 7th, 2011

A horrified Vicky tries to remove the toilet paper trailing from her skirt, off the table before John notices.

The Tim at 5:44 pm on October 7th, 2011

You really do play for high stakes… (What’s £20,000 between friends?)

Victoria's Biggest Fan at 5:35 pm on October 8th, 2011

1. ‘Ooooooooold man river!’

2. Vic gets a shock when she realises her BBC secret Santa this year is Jeremy Clarkson

3. Vic warms the vocal chords as she prepares to understudy Kimberley Walsh as Fiona in Shrek the Musical :) x

Michael John at 3:05 pm on October 9th, 2011

“Wow, how do you manage to use that ‘phone with the tips of all your fingers missing?”

The Tim at 6:43 pm on October 9th, 2011

Further to Michael John’s last comment - Victoria adds:

‘So, that’s why they call it a dictaphone.’

psychofant at 4:57 pm on October 10th, 2011

“my god these captions are dreadful,i had better start another feed ASAP!”

NeilW at 6:43 pm on October 10th, 2011

Unlike Lady Gaga everybody could read Victoria’s Poker Face!!

MarkP at 8:53 pm on October 10th, 2011

I think he’s saying “I’ve just tweeted the second part to your joke ‘…where’s the soap’ and look, it’s now being flashed around the room”.

Rob Falconer at 2:51 pm on October 11th, 2011

It came off in your hand?

Fingers D at 3:41 pm on October 11th, 2011

And here’s one of my wife - see how I’ve had the surgeon make her look just like you Vicky

psychofant at 4:45 pm on October 11th, 2011

OMG! it looks like jodie and tara are celebrating halloween a couple of weeks early!

Nicky D at 4:49 pm on October 11th, 2011

‘Yeah so I can phone people AND send them messages all on this little thing’

Tom Gardner at 5:07 pm on October 11th, 2011

Vicky’s face was aghast as John broke the news that X Factor hopefuls ‘Two Shoes’ had been sent packing

mcchoc at 3:02 pm on October 12th, 2011

Ms Coren practises her stoical Royal Flush expression whilst Mr Duthie reveals the secret of the stringless Cat’s Cradle.

John at 5:00 pm on October 12th, 2011

“And that’s my, ‘John Duthie’... nuff said.”

Victoria's Biggest Fan at 8:03 am on October 14th, 2011

Vic’s face after she realises how much he looks like that idiot mr Schuh from ‘Glee’

Dave at 8:53 pm on October 14th, 2011

Oh you can get porn on the iPhone!

Mike Thornley at 5:36 pm on October 16th, 2011

Well, that’s awfully nice of Mr Cameron to offer but I really don’t know the first thing about Defence.  Then again, maybe that makes me ideally qualified to be the next Secretary of State.

dg at 10:57 pm on October 17th, 2011

Here, look in this mirror. See what I mean? They’re definitely swollen…

dg at 5:09 pm on October 18th, 2011

I ahh uhh ay awww!

Nick Wren at 5:21 am on October 19th, 2011

“A Mivvi looks like that?!?!??!”

keith jones at 5:21 pm on October 20th, 2011

When John Duthie showed her his royal flush the other players thought they could detect Coren’s famously subtle ‘tell’.

Christine King at 6:14 am on October 22nd, 2011

“Look at my Lottery Winners Cheque!”

Phil Pearson at 7:11 am on October 23rd, 2011

Someone ACTUALLY SAID “Only Connect is Elitist” on twitter? Bloody proles.

P.S How is it possible i lost your email? I offer to buy you a drink at the WSOPE and end up buying myself too many. Disappointing to say the least!

Nick McD at 2:58 am on October 26th, 2011

WE can’t give *that* as a prize in a caption competition, surely?

Fingers D at 1:23 pm on October 31st, 2011

Victoria’s agent reveals the details for her new game show “Total Connect” - an exciting fusion of Total Wipeout and Only Connect to be aired on Saturday nights
(I’ve thought through how this might actually work - email me if you think it’s a goer)

PrinceSaddo at 2:30 pm on November 1st, 2011

John shows Victoria that somebody not educated at Oxbridge is working at the BBC.

Phil Pearson at 6:05 am on November 5th, 2011

Finger’s comment is sheer brilliance. I want to know how that would work. If you get the connection after only 2 clues you only have to jump over 2 red balls?

Fingers D at 5:41 pm on November 6th, 2011

Thanks very much Phil, I like your idea too. Here’s my ‘Total Connect’ drawing board thus far:

1.Vicky sits on a throne dressed as Amphitrite goddess of water. She pulls a lever that catapults the contestants into the water when they run out of time on the connecting wall.
2.The contestants stand on a platform while each clue flies through the air towards them at high speed. To solve the puzzle and stay upright they must show a combination of quick thinking and physical speed and agility.
Therefore, they must both think AND move laterally
3.Vicky to be flanked by 2 water nymphs (Jedward in drag?) on either side of her throne. They do her bidding for the entire show.

Personally, I think it’s TV gold*, but I haven’t heard back from Vicky yet (or Jedward for that matter)

Phil Pearson at 7:55 pm on November 14th, 2011

I love it already. I’m thinking you have the base values of Only Connect in there. However you are missing the Total Wipeout side slightly. Obviously you incorporate the qualifier as round 1. The sweeper as round 2 somehow. For whatever round 3 is (Dizzy Dummies?) that would be the wall somehow. Maybe pushing the buttons which are stepping stones that wobble? As the the final, combining missing vowels and the final of TW would be hard. Id love to hear your plans for that one.

Victoria Coren

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