Death, But Not By Spider
Sunday, 18 January 2009
I know it was a joke challenge tonight, when the Big Brother contestants were split by gender to see “which is better”, but it’s depressing to see anything which groups the female housemates together and reminds the public that they’re all women. Jesus, imagine if our whole gender was truly reflected in that lot. Michelle bursts into tears every chance she gets. Ulrika, faced with three weeks in a centrally heated house with food, water and comfortable beds, whines constantly that “This will break me… It’ll drive me over the edge…” - and Mutya actually walked out, so arduous was the warm, safe, catered experience. Tina Malone is aggressive, can’t let anyone else finish a sentence, bites her toenails on camera, and if there is a direct opposite to Grace Under Pressure then Tina is it.
Of the 5 women who were set the challenge of spending five minutes in a dark room with a loose tarantula “which might bite”, 3 refused to even attempt it, 2 went in and screamed throughout, and 0 managed to work out that there was no goddamn way that Channel 4 would ACTUALLY leave them alone in the dark with a spider whose bite might trigger anaphylactic shock. Don’t they remember signing an insurance form before they went in? These women aren’t just cowards, they’re idiots.
Besides, if Tina wants to throw off the shackles of femininity when it comes to slopping around on camera in a dressing gown, screaming violent obscenities at her housemates and spitting her toenails onto the floor, she can’t suddenly turn into a girl when it comes to standing near a spider. Ugh, it’s embarrassing. Thank God for LaToya, who (at 13/1) is not a bad long-shot bet to win it. She’s the only one exhibiting anything like the traditional female strength of being able to handle stressful situations and calm them down. That’s if you accept a fortnight in the Big Brother house to be a stressful situation.
Anyway, it depressed me to see this mob (apart from LaToya) grouped in any way that suggested they represent womankind. So what were the plus sides of watching Celebrity Big Brother tonight?
(1) If I hadn’t watched CBB, I might never have watched Snakes On A Plane, which followed it on Channel 4. What a brilliant movie. Ticks every box.
(2) If I hadn’t watched Snakes On A Plane, and its commercial breaks, I might never have witnessed the historic moment when rock & roll died forever. Yes, it’s Iggy Pop doing an advert for car insurance.