Wednesday, 3 November 2010
Here’s me dressed as a cat for Halloween. I put this picture up on Twitter and promised a tutorial in how to do such intricate and skilful makeup.
If you type “how to do cat makeup” into Google, you’ll find pages of advice, videos, the lot. This is an edited version, for people who socialize like I do.
1. (With thanks to Infobarrel): acquire face paints in white, yellow, orange and black. Smear the yellow all over your face from hairline to nose.
2. Cover the bottom half of your face in the white. Also draw large white triangles above your eyes and around your mouth. Add big orange or black blotches on your forehead.
3. Draw feathery loops, in black face paint, “to create the appearance of tufts of fur.”
4. Really concentrate on the chin, make it good and tufty. Glue on actual fake hair, if you’ve got some handy. Done!
6. Wash your face. Possibly with bleach.
7. Ask yourself: are you really a fancy dress kind of person? You’re not, are you? You admire people who are. They’re the people who dance unself-consciously in public, make friends on holiday, and get second helpings at the all-you-can-eat buffet without worrying it looks greedy. You’d like to be that kind of person. It’s selfish to go to a fancy dress party in normal clothes. You’d like to repay your host’s generosity by looking magnificent and adding to the fun. That’s what sociable, dancey, cool people do. But when you hear the words “fancy dress”, you get an immediate mental picture of yourself, alone in the corner, nervously clutching a drink, pretending to send a text on your mobile phone, dressed as Henry the Eighth.
8. Think about buying some books on how to be a good conversationalist.
9. Get out an eyeliner. Using an old fag packet as a ruler, draw on a couple of whiskers and get in a taxi.
10. Go, and have a great time! Don’t forget to drink. Be enthralled by what a brilliant party it is! Meet new people! Skulk with people you already know! Bump into an old friend and have a deep, serious, emotional conversation about the meaning of life, the mystery of love, regrets, hopes, dreams…
11. Remember that you’re wearing cat ears.
12. Then think, oh what the hell. He’s nodding gravely while dressed as Hugh Hefner. There are skeletons and storm troopers walking past. A werewolf is engaged in earnest debate with the Boston Strangler.
13. Get over yourself and resolve to do a better job next year.
There, I hope you found those makeup instructions useful. Here’s a brightly-lit version, less flattering but easier to copy: