It’s All In Your Head, Madam
Thursday, 17 November 2011
The Only Connect special episode for Children In Need (still available to view for a while here if you didn’t catch it on Monday night) began with me saying the following words:
“Hello and welcome to Only Connect, the quiz that’s like a tonic – in the sense that I always take it with a lot of gin. But this is a very special episode in aid of Children In Need, the BBC appeal, and some very special quizzers are giving their time in the hope of inspiring you to make a donation. They say ‘Never meet your heroes’, so I’ve had to blank most of these people in the dressing room; they are: on my left… [names of the quizzers]”
It has been brought to my attention, by a favourite BBC insider, that the official audience logs for the night - in which are recorded all the comments made by viewers contacting the BBC about a programme - included this telephone complaint:
“I am unhappy that the presenter opened the show with a joke about fellatio. This is not what you expect from a high brow quiz programme like this.”
!!! What on earth do they think I said? I suppose you’d better not answer that - or at least, if you do, be warned that your posted comment may be asterisked or deleted…
There’s a debate going on at Connecting Towers. I reckon the viewer took the word “blank” in the sense of “bleep” (rather than how I meant it, in the sense of “to ignore”), and assumed it stood in place of an obscene verb. Our esteemed question editor, Mr. Bodycombe, says he thought they heard “blank” as a different, rhyming word. But neither of our theories would, technically, translate into fellatio. Unless I’m basically right and the verb he imagined was “blow”.
But does he really think that’s how I’d start a show? Does that make sense? “They say ‘Never meet your heroes’, so I’ve had to blow most of these people in the dressing room” ??? Why would I have “had to” do that, just because people say you shouldn’t meet your heroes? IT’S SIMPLY NOT LOGICAL. And even it were, that would be a damn weird start to the show. I know I do sometimes start the show weirdly. But not that weirdly.
Whoever you are, mysterious BBC complainant: it’s all in your head, madam! Or sir. I love your devotion to the format of the show, but I’m afraid you have made a connection too far…