Victoria Coren Mitchell - Writer, Broadcaster & Poker Player

Porn On Expenses

Wednesday, 1 April 2009

All anybody wants to know is: WHAT WAS THE FILM?

What was the blue movie that Jacqui Smith’s husband watched, then charged to parliamentary expenses?

Nobody really cares about the act itself. Billions of pounds of our money are spent carpet-bombing the Middle East, blitzing hospitals and orphanages where Osama Bin Laden isn’t; what’s twelve quid to put a smile on the face of the Home Secretary’s husband? Good luck to him, we say. And the bill was obviously put into expenses by mistake - nobody’s stupid enough to put that kind of bill in deliberately. Obviously it’s a bit grubby and grim that he was watching skinflicks while his wife was out and the kids were asleep, but that part is none of our business. He’s not the Home Secretary. If poor Ms Smith gets fired over this, it will be an outrage.

BUT WE WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE FILM WAS. That’s because there are very few things which offer such guaranteed amusement as the titles of porn films. (My personal favourite is Hump Up The Volume). The newspapers can’t bear the fact that they can only print a list of which films were available on the porn channel that night, without knowing the exact one he watched.

  They’re missing a trick though. One of the films available was Raw Meat 3, a gay film. New Labour certainly can’t take a double-scandal over this. All the tabloids have to do is print, every day, “He might have been watching Raw Meat 3.” With a selection of stills from Raw Meat 3. By Friday, they can be saying “Richard Timney refuses to deny that he was watching Raw Meat 3.” Mark my words: by Saturday he’d be cracking and telling us the real title.

  The Streets Of Sin Francisco, that’s another brilliantly-named film. I love the lameness of it; the certainty that no more than 40 seconds were spent dreaming it up. Please feel free to post your own favourites below - but keep it clean, for God’s sake. Daft puns and double entendres only. The moderator’s a very nice girl, and proper rude words won’t get past her.

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Tony Barnshaw at 4:30 am on April 1st, 2009

In Diana Jones

AndytheDealer at 6:05 am on April 1st, 2009

I have been told that it was Wifey on the Woolsack.
Apparently it’s about a female politician being gang banged by a cabinet. 

I have also been told that the fight behind the speaker’s chair started when an investigative journalist and his photographer were caught looking for semen stains by Black Rod.

All sounds very strange to me.

Steve at 10:39 am on April 1st, 2009

Can I suggest my all-time favourite - “Schindler’s Fist” - or is that a step too far??

R at 12:05 pm on April 1st, 2009

Ok, here are my recent favorites:

- Chocolate and Cockoo Bucks

- Ass On The Giver (Vol. VI)

- Only Eject

- Naschen durch die Hosentaschen
  (The subeditor’s edition)

.... and hey, do we really have to go back to the 60ies to find such well-informed and thoroughly researched journalism?

Roy Spencer at 12:21 pm on April 1st, 2009

“Splash On the Tight ‘uns”

OK, I made that up but you never know, with the originally-titled film being remade.

Darren at 12:56 pm on April 1st, 2009

apart from the old classics Womb Raider and Saturday Night Beaver, my fav is one i made up - The Arse King of Scotland, any good??? :)

LC at 2:04 pm on April 1st, 2009

He was watching “The Naughty Twins.” Clearly.

To be honest, I was surprised that many people still order the porn channels on digital tv. Just… considering how much there is on the internet now, you wouldn’t think anyone would bother. It’s like young lads with mags… who needs the embarrassing gaze up to the top shelf when all the material you need is a few clicks away?

Just also wanted to mention last night’s “Premier League Poker” , VC. Despite you not exactly winning, I just wanted to say that it at least provided some marvellous post-pub viewing.

Steve I at 3:42 pm on April 1st, 2009

Pulp Friction

David Young at 3:43 pm on April 1st, 2009

Good Will Humping

As discussed here:

(also the origin of the Bom Chicka Chicka Wah Wah campaign for Lynx Deodorant!)

MarkP at 4:24 pm on April 1st, 2009

Bedman And Throbbin
Romancing the Bone
Forest Hump
Beverly Hills Cock
Hannah Does Her Sisters
Malcolm XXX
Honey, I Blew Everyone
Shaving Ryan’s Privates
Bridge Over the River KY
The Loin King
Pulp Friction
Jurassic Pork
And very apt the message I’m asked to write is always 12

joe king at 4:50 pm on April 1st, 2009

Fav title

You’re very beautiful and intelligent.

I’ve not read all your book but what happened to ‘thenaughtytwins’ website and film?

Victoria Coren at 5:32 pm on April 1st, 2009

What happened to the website? What happened to the website? Charlie forgot to renew the domain name, that’s what happened. So, one year in, the whole site came down and we couldn’t supply any more films. Every time I think about it I want to throw food in his hair. But maybe it’s a good thing, probably shouldn’t really be professional porn suppliers <sigh>.

LC at 6:58 pm on April 1st, 2009

I just thought of one, albeit fictional, though i’m sure something very similar does exist out there.

In “Friends” , Phoebe’s (whose surname is Buffay) twin sister Ursula is doing porn under Phoebe’s name and the gang discover this when Joey comes across a tape called “Buffay The Vampire Layer.”

Runaway at 8:16 pm on April 1st, 2009

If you were to ‘bag your own column’  in a ‘gentleman’s erotic monthly’, you could call it ‘Soft Coren’.

Colm at 8:38 pm on April 1st, 2009

Apologies for how cheesy some of these are:

A Tale of Two Titties
Riding Miss Daisy
Das Booty
Diddle-Her on the Roof
I know who you did last summer
Sleeping with Seattle
When Harry Wet Sally
The Hunt for Miss October
Lap Dances with Wolves.

By the way, you were very unlucky on Premier League Poker last night, plus you’re very funny when you’re drunk,
best wishes for Monte Carlo.

Victoria Coren at 12:39 am on April 2nd, 2009

I think “Diddle-Her On The Roof” is definitely the best so far. Hilarious.

John at 3:16 pm on April 2nd, 2009

If my junior school history lessons are to be believed, these shores were infected with proper serfdom a thousand years ago by the bastard seed of the Normans.  Surely we’ve had enough time to assimilate this into our daily lives without the need to raise an eyebrow; surely the conficker virus should be renamed the MP septicaemic, and surely their no limit credit card/expenses are a much less theatrical form of irritation than punching me to the ground and burning my veg plot.

And ‘Boldfinger’ was a nice suggestion too.

Phil at 11:43 am on April 3rd, 2009

I think my all time favourite has to be:

ET: The Extra Testicle

RayCake at 9:35 pm on April 3rd, 2009

homo you don’t

kenpeace at 10:54 am on April 4th, 2009

The best ever surely have to be…

The Bitches of Eastwick and the aforementioned Shaving Ryan’s Privates.

s at 12:50 am on April 5th, 2009

My all-time favourite - for sacreligousness - is “The Great Dick Taster”

Andrew at 4:26 pm on April 8th, 2009

I thought ‘Weapons of Ass Destruction’ was a fine comment on the Dubya years.

neil at 8:26 am on April 11th, 2009

Hmmm I can only think of one thats not been mentioned already.

A Back Passage To India

fortunately - or is that unfortunately - more were just a google search away

When Harry Ate Sally
Shaving Ryan’s Privates
Chitty Chitty Gang Bang
Big Trouble in Little Vagina
White Men Can’t Hump
Inspect Her Gadget

akalozz at 2:19 am on February 8th, 2010

where can I see the film that YOU starred in vickey?

Victoria Coren at 4:19 pm on February 8th, 2010

Ah, akalozz, I’m afraid you have false information. I did once co-write and direct an X-rated movie (see the ‘books’ page for the result of that crazed adventure) but I have never performed in one. And, given the cruel effects of time, I very much doubt I ever will…

angusfan2002 at 11:15 am on January 10th, 2011

Seems like the right place to ask this question. Where can I find a copy of “The Naughty Twins”?. I just read “Once More With Feeling” and feel I need to find the movie, to appreciate the amazing Steven Poole soundtrack…

Pinball at 10:23 pm on April 16th, 2011

“Starfish Troopers”

rdf at 8:07 pm on August 22nd, 2011

“Sex and the Settee”

Fingers D at 3:06 pm on October 23rd, 2011

‘One Blew Over the Hooker’s Chest’

Fingers D at 12:32 pm on October 24th, 2011

Slumdogging Millionaire
Synopsis: ‘With the season over and his wife heavily pregnant, top footballer Shane Moony* finds himself at a loose end once again.’

*Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental

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Teabagging with Mussolini
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(I’ve no idea who’s going to read this on a 2 year old thread but I feel, quite strongly, that it needed to be said)

andrew h at 11:51 am on September 22nd, 2012

romancing the bone,
rectal attraction,

Bertie at 10:55 am on December 26th, 2012

Well, if it’s fashionable to be late I must be the most fashionable poster on t’web. My favourite I heard on QI and is ‘Lawrence of Her Labia’ which I think is excellent. ‘Pickdick Papers’ has unpleasant connotations, and ‘Diddle Her On The Roof’ is nice if you’ve got a terrace. Otherwise it’s just dangerous.

I also like the fact that my CATCHPA is ‘used 52’ which is fitting.

Jasper at 8:18 pm on April 18th, 2017

Weapons of Ass Destruction

tee hee hee hee hee

Victoria Coren

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