Thursday, 10 January 2013
[NOTE: THIS HAS NOW BEEN BROADCAST AND SHOULD BE ON BBC iPLAYER; EXTENDED EDITION WILL BE BROADCAST AT 11.25pm ON SUNDAY 13th JANUARY ON BBC ONE]
Tomorrow night, I’m going to be on Room 101 (BBC One, not sure what time, though it’s on the “news” page of this site, if I only knew how to have two windows open at once). It’s funny, you spend your life being constantly irritated by almost everything. So, when Room 101 come along and ask if you’d like to have a rant, you bite their arm off. Then, a week or so before the recording when they ask for a shortlist, your mind goes blank. Suddenly, the world seems sunny and perfect. Can’t think of anything but kittens and rainbows.
Don’t worry, I dredged up a couple. But now the recording’s over, of course, it all comes flooding back. How could I have forgotten how annoying I find bad losers, beer culture, massages, passwords that don’t mean anything, squirrels, sand, shorts, watch adverts, films on either side of the news, the news, people who put the receipt in your hand at the supermarket underneath the change I DON’T WANT THE RECEIPT STOP TRYING TO WEIGH IT DOWN SO I CAN’T GET RID OF IT, “hold up” stockings, people who cheer at the poker table, people who use French phrases in normal conversation, glitchy internet, hair products, wind chimes, being allergic to grapefruit, umbrellas, cheap tissues…
... I’ll pause there. On the programme, I opted for a couple of things to do with tea and nudity. Which are, after all, my main preoccupations.
Fellow guests are Phil Tufnell and Terry Wogan, and the host is my old mate Frank Skinner. (In the real, Orwellian Room 101, of course, you don’t have to compete with anyone to get your pet hates into the room - and you don’t want them in there anyway. It’s your personal hell; if you don’t like the thing, it’ll just bloody be there.)