The Platell Game
Saturday, 30 August 2008
It’s Saturday today, which means I can play my favourite game:
What’s Amanda Platell’s opinion?
This is how it works. You get Amanda Platell’s column from the Daily Mail. Then you take a piece of paper to cover the page and slide it gradually down, item by item, reading only the first line of each. So you only get the basic opening facts.
You then get 5 points every time you correctly guess that Amanda is FURIOUS AND DISGUSTED by the subject or person involved. 5 points if you correctly guess that Amanda LOVES THIS TURN OF EVENTS. Minus 5 points each time you’re wrong.
You could never play this game with Lynda Lee-Potter, who had a fairly consistent set of opinions. But there’s no knowing which way Amanda Platell will jump; you just know that she’ll jump.
So, using today’s column as an example:
1) Michelle Obama has revealed that her father, despite suffering multiple sclerosis, always made the effort to hobble across the room on his walking sticks to greet his wife with a kiss when she came in. Have a think…
Did you anticipate that Amanda Platell would be delighted by this news, showing how older couples have a respect for the institution of marriage that the selfish young have lost? If so: minus 5 ! Amanda thinks the revelation is “MOST INSINCERE. Funny how Obama deemed her poor old pop more important to voters than her qualifications as a high-flying corporate lawyer.”
2) The Duke of Sutherland is selling a pair of Titian paintings, for £100 million, which may be “bought for the nation”. Have a think…
Did you guess that Amanda would be horrified at the waste of national funds which could be so much better spent on schools and hospitals, typical of a fey and elitist government? You would be wrong! Amanda wants the paintings bought – but “it’s too much to hope that New Labour would cut back on the guff and leave us with one genuinely worthwhile legacy.”
3) John Sergeant, the political journalist, has been announced as one of the contestants on Strictly Come Dancing. Think think think…
Does Amanda consider him to be an overweight, dribbling old leftie who’ll look revolting on the dance floor? Lose 5 points! He is “a gloriously eccentric character to be cherished and cheered.”
If you’re a Daily Mail reader, please feel free to revisit this thread in future weeks and post your own “Unexpected Amanda Opinions”. But watch out for the traps. Here’s an example from a column in July:
4) Sarah Jessica Parker has reportedly had a mole removed. Rack your brains…
Did you guess that Amanda would be horrified to hear of any woman having vain and unnecessary cosmetic surgery, when God made us with imperfections and that is the true meaning of beauty? Or did you guess that Amanda reckons SJP should have even more work done, the ugly old cow?
It’s both! “Now you see it, now you don’t. No, not Sarah Jessica Parker’s movie career, but her trademark mole. How silly and how sad. Too many models and actresses these days are flawlessly pretty. I’ve always believed true beauty was in the imperfections. Still, I expect this won’t be the end of the matter. If SJP’s had the mole done, it can’t be long before that nose gets fixed, too.”
On this occasion, whatever you guessed would be points-neutral.