Very Indiscreet Person
Wednesday, 8 September 2010
I have a new favourite column. Old hands on this blog may remember that I used to enjoy “The Platell Game”, guessing which way Amanda Platell would jump in her savagely opinionated articles for the Daily Mail.
This one is a much gentler pleasure. It’s Amanda Holden this time, in her column at the back of the News Of The World magazine. It’s illustrated by a full-length photo of Amanda looking gorgeous in a tiny dress and high heels. That’s how you know she is a “guest star anecdotalist” rather than a normal columnist; you’ll notice from the average byline photo that we professional hacks never allow ourselves to be seen below the neck. It just wouldn’t be wise. Amanda, however, looks flawless in the thigh-skimming frock.
The column’s title is VIP: VERY INDISCREET PERSON. Amanda, implies the title, will spill the beans on all that celebrity gossip to which she, as a star, is privy, with little or no thought to the social dangers this might cause.
There were a few gems in this week’s column.
“Today”, whispers Amanda, “we go for a drive along the coast in our lovely rented convertible to Montecito, Santa Barbara. It’s home to gorgeous Brat Pack actor Rob Lowe and his wife Cheryl. My friend knows them and always stays with them when she visits LA, but I’m too shy to ask for his address! Hopefully, we might just spot him from afar.”
Unfortunately, we have to assume that Amanda does not spot Rob Lowe from afar because at this point he disappears entirely from the text and we hear about the pool at Amanda’s hotel.
But not to worry! More indiscreet celebrity revelations are to come.
“My friend Jane Wall, who used to be in The Bill”, Amanda is loose-lipped enough to tell us, “phones me. She’s preggers with her second baby and is having contractions every five minutes. ‘Get to the hospital NOW!’ I tell her.”
Someone that used to be in The Bill is having a baby! And Holden is there to stop the presses just in time. But will their friendship recover from the whistle-blowing on this top secret? For the column’s climax…
“[My husband] Chris and I go to Soho House”, reveals Amanda. “At a table in the corner are the Beckhams, Gordon and Tana Ramsay and Eva Longoria. Victoria looks glam as always. We don’t go over, though, as they look too cosy to be interrupted.”
With this juicy story, we know we are in the hands of someone with significant star power and astonishing indiscretion. It’s like David Niven has published a third autobiography.
Am I sounding bitchy? I don’t mean to. I fault only the misleading title; the writing is so gentle that I’m genuinely looking forward to next week’s. It’s like drinking a glass of water, or being asleep. And I like Amanda Holden, she comes across on Britain’s Got Talent as a very nice person.
But I am thinking of applying to write the column when Amanda goes on holiday, as I once saw Brian Cant in a car park.