Victoria Coren Mitchell - Writer, Broadcaster & Poker Player


What Does Everyone Think? [THREAD NOW CLOSED]

Monday, 12 April 2010

THIS COMPETITION IS NOW CLOSED!

(If you would like tickets to one of the recordings go to this website.)

Heresy is returning to Radio 4 ! But not yet, not yet. First, we have to plan it. And when I say “we”, I mean me (the host), Brian (the producer), Charlie (my co-writer) and you.

  For those who weren’t here this time last year, or haven’t caught it on the radio, Heresy is all about dismantling received opinions. Each week, we have three guests and three statements of opinion that most of the world would agree with. It’s the guests’ job to argue against the opinions – or at least to challenge them, take issue and shake them up a bit.

  That’s where you come in. I don’t want to just make assumptions about what everyone thinks. Well… I’ll do that a bit. But this is a really good thing to throw open to the floor. I need to test the prevailing wind. Blow at me!

  These opinions - they’ve got to be statements that the majority of people would immediately agree with. It can’t be issues where there are two broad and opposite opinions (like “You shouldn’t wear fur” or “There is no God”). It needs to be the kind of thing that at least 80% of a random sample group would agree with - like

There are too many repeats on TV
Transport strikes are bad for commuters
WAGs are bad role models
Politicians never answer the question

- stuff like that. So, what does everyone think? Tell me! If we get good ideas, we’ll use them on the programme – maybe a little bit reworded, maybe not – and I’ll find some sort of prize for the best one posted here. Or the best three. It won’t be an exciting prize, it’ll probably be a book token. But it’s the thought that counts.

  General areas to think about are fashion, politics, ethics, pop culture, modern etiquette, sacred cows, film & TV, trends or (better still) just miscellaneous. Some of the best ones posted here last year were very specific and left-field opinions, like “A shellsuit is inappropriate attire for a court appearance”. The more specific, and the more current / zeitgeisty, the better.

  I’ll leave this thread open for about a week before I decided who deserves the unexciting prize(s). But that isn’t to cloak the fact that I’m really just asking you for help - it’s the kind of show where we need the world to chip in. Mainly, I’m hoping that if you’re bored at work, it’ll kill ten minutes to have a little think about modern truisms and throw them into the pot. The internet’s a great way to kill time at work. (There, you see. There’s a modern received opinion right there….)

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Comments

chris wade at 1:28 am on April 12th, 2010

Commercials these days are very irritating. The music on them is always very annoying, some little “doo dee doo” nonsense and the actors in them are always supposed to be “real life people” telling you how great their experience with the product in question was. What about when adverts were good and had Leonard Rossiter in them? (before I was born). Why can’t they be more like that again? So, the question is…Why Are Commercials So Annoying?


Tim Clague at 1:35 am on April 12th, 2010

Things are, in fact, exactly as they used to be.


Victoria Coren at 2:11 am on April 12th, 2010

Excellent, the ball is rolling! Though Chris, we’re not looking for a question but a statement - so the statement version would be something like

COMMERCIALS ARE MORE ANNOYING THAN THEY USED TO BE

or

“REAL-LIFE” PEOPLE IN ADVERTS ARE MORE SUSPICIOUS THAN ACTORS

or, you know, go more specific,

IT’S TIME THAT MEERKAT DIED.

But great start, let’s have more!


Cazzbar at 3:48 am on April 12th, 2010

Dogs are far better suited at guiding blind people than cats.

Men tend to apologise more after sex than women.

Penguins, although very similar looking, should not be forced to carry ID.


Wildride at 4:01 am on April 12th, 2010

Nature abhors a vacuum.


Phil at 4:16 am on April 12th, 2010

Ok; first (and fairly apropos)
“Insomnia is a terrible affliction”
then
“Bankers are evil”
“Things were better when you were a kid”
“Drugs are a bad thing” (not related to insomnia…unless you count caffeine!)
“Summer is the best time of year”

That kind of thing?


Brian at 4:28 am on April 12th, 2010

Air travel is no longer somrthing to look forward to.

Premier League footballers are overpaid.

Socks with sandals are plain wrong.


Al at 5:20 am on April 12th, 2010

- It’s not safe to leave your doors unlocked these days.

- Joanna Lumley was justified in being rude to that MP.

- Bills shouldn’t be rushed through parliament as a knee jerk reaction to events.

- He who represents himself in court has a fool for a client.

- When a man starts going bald he should accept it.

- The best advice for a job interview/first date is, “Just be yourself.”

- When celebrities appear on game shows any money they win should go to charity.

- A wedding reception shouldn’t be held at McDonalds.


John McLusky at 5:37 am on April 12th, 2010

Published photographs should never be air-brushed, touched-up or Photochopped.


Chris Jones at 6:13 am on April 12th, 2010

“Accountants are boring”
Or insert any other profession as desired.


Edward at 6:41 am on April 12th, 2010

Bankers are paid far too much!

School exams are much easier than they used to be!


Jack at 7:42 am on April 12th, 2010

Here’s a couple I’ve just thought of Victoria.

“Puting a man back on the moon is just a waste of money” (esp. at this time of lack of funds)
or how about,“Local government needs to be LESS PC” or even “Science is too hard to be popular/ist”.

In other business I’ve thoroughly enjoyed your visitations to us in our living room courtesy of the goggle box, you should to it again.


Christopher Jefferson at 8:02 am on April 12th, 2010

People are much more unfit than they used to be.

People are much cleverer than they used to be.

Children / teenagers today are terribly behaved / all hoodies / lazy.

Britain is one of the most important countries in the world, both in history and the present.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

People use only 10% of their brains.

People need to drink at least 8 glasses of water a day.


Graham at 8:06 am on April 12th, 2010

I know it’s not very topical at the moment, but how about: “All three main political parties are the same”?

Alternatively:
“Exams are much easier now”

I’ll try to think of some more….


brian thomson at 9:00 am on April 12th, 2010

I have a few ideas related to the “good old days”. Were movies really so much better, or does it just seem that way because the rubbish dropped off the radar? Were the roads safer? I’ll try and find a few more.


Markjb at 10:04 am on April 12th, 2010

Everyone thinks that cosmologists and astrophysicists are better at understanding the universe than um bricklayers.

Everyone thinks that becoming very rich is a sign of success.

Everyone thinks that life is serious

Everyone thinks that things are either true or false.

Everyone thinks that they are not really at the centre of the universe (though they feel they are).

Everyone thinks that it’s cool to be ‘hot’.


Tony Hessler at 10:29 am on April 12th, 2010

Politicians care more for their careers than the electorate.


Aneesh at 10:31 am on April 12th, 2010

Dentists are horrible/scary.


Mark Gibbs at 11:16 am on April 12th, 2010

Do bears always s*** in the woods?
Was David Jason falling through the bar the funniest thing on telly, ever?
Is Stephen Fry Britains cleverest man?
Is there such a thing as a poor bookie?
Is the letter ‘Y’ worth 4 points in Scrabble?!?


Dave at 11:19 am on April 12th, 2010

My statements:

TV is not the place to decide who should get record contracts/West End contracts etc.

There is too much bureaucracy in modern society.

Technological advances ought to be slowed down.

There is too much golden brown food about nowadays.


Kristie at 11:31 am on April 12th, 2010

Oooooh, I didn’t hear it last time round - what have you already covered? I’m already looking forward to this one tho… how’s about:

No-one ever says on their deathbed they wished they’d spent more time in the office

or conversely,

Money matters


Roger at 11:36 am on April 12th, 2010

Has what is now called progress really become the exchange of one nuisance for another?


Adam Bowie at 11:43 am on April 12th, 2010

* Modern art is rubbish.

* Nurses and teachers are underpaid.

* Estate agents are unpleasant to deal with.

* Charity singles/Telethons are a fantastic way of raising money for worthy causes.

* Libraries are culturally vital to the British way of life.

* Opera is elitist and aimed at a small minority despite getting millions from public funds.

* Media Studies degrees are the most useless qualifications you can achieve and are all about watching EastEnders.

* Swindon is an incredibly dull place to live in.

* The Met Office is a worthless institution that always gets its forecasts completely wrong.

* The British press love nothing more than building up a celebrity and then knockling them back down again.


Tony Hessler at 11:55 am on April 12th, 2010

Efficiency savings eventually result in a cheap and nasty service.

7 out of 10 pollsters ask loaded questions.

Newspapers exaggerate the importance of scientific findings to make them more interesting to the punters.

When the chancellor says a tax is being raised for a given purpose that doesn’t stop him/her spending it on something else.


The Tim at 12:18 pm on April 12th, 2010

Great – this brings out the iconoclast in me!

Some less serious ones would be:

‘Only Connect should be shown on BBC1 at 9pm,’ (but I can’t think of a case against that).

‘”Fart” is an unacceptable word to use on Question Time.’

‘Bloggers need to get a life.’

‘A parliament should be elected democratically with any adult having the right to stand and not chosen randomly from the public - like the members of a jury.’

This would, of course, sound much better the other way round but you asked for opinions that most people would agree with. My case against is this that a person who does not want to, or at least has not made it their life’s ambition to be a ruler is likely to do a far better and honest job than someone who’s ruthlessly clawed their way to the top.
  The selected few could undergo training and the ones considered most able could be chosen for a fixed term of say 4 years, perhaps by the Queen, to occupy the top positions.

Just think about it for a minute….


Karen at 1:01 pm on April 12th, 2010

winning the lottery won’t make you happy


RomanticRecluse at 1:11 pm on April 12th, 2010

I don’t know if lines from a pop song are suitable for discussion on Heresy and whether the lines I’m thinking of are a received opinion but having had the misfortune of catching Beyonce’s “Ego” video whilst channel surfing yesterday and then wondered for the umpteenth time why music with such sentiments is so popular I think it needs to be dismantled.  The song I’m thinking of is old but it was a big hit and is well known.

Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

Maybe Heresy could have a musical spin-off in which guests dismantle the lyrics of songs such as “Message In A Bottle” by The Police or “All Around The World” by Lisa Stansfield.


Skip at 1:40 pm on April 12th, 2010

Alcohol and cigarettes are more dangerous than most illegal drugs


director general at 2:07 pm on April 12th, 2010

Victoria Coren is on TV way too much lately.


Mitchell at 2:15 pm on April 12th, 2010

“Things aren’t what they used to be”


Bill Green at 2:24 pm on April 12th, 2010

I was going to suggest the hit productivity has taken from social networking sites but you seem to have (more or less) beat me to it.

How about, ‘Pop music is not as good as it used to be’ no doubt with a comparison between Beatles/Beach Boys and Sugarbabes et al.


Chris Boyle at 2:47 pm on April 12th, 2010

Poker is a game, online poker is an addiction.
Astrology is bunkum.


Danielle at 2:58 pm on April 12th, 2010

Intenet marriages are only for people who don’t have friends
(my Mum is *very* scathing)

Students just eat beans on toast and can’t do their own washing


Terry at 3:07 pm on April 12th, 2010

If you want a job done right, do it yourself.

Creativity thrives under constraints

BTW loved your latest book


Graham at 3:07 pm on April 12th, 2010

More suggestions:

“If you are worried that you are going mad, you probably aren’t”

“Britney Spears can’t sing”

“Yorkshiremen are tight with money”

“People are friendlier ‘up North’ “

“The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plane”
(running out of ideas now)


Rainbow at 3:16 pm on April 12th, 2010

- Primary schools need more (some ?) male teachers

- If you’re not guilty, you’ve nothing to hide

- Information Technology is a curriculum essential

- If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys

- That Victoria Coren, she’s not really all that good a poker player


Ben Franklin at 3:23 pm on April 12th, 2010

How about “Obama is trying too hard”

There, I said it.


Markjb at 3:24 pm on April 12th, 2010

Everyone thiinks ” If I had my time again I’d do exactly the same”

It is more difficult to see in the dark

April fool’s day is about playing tricks on the gullible

Vicky Coren =  beauty + brains

It is not healthy to eat whipped cream

Racehorses don’t realise they have silly names

Cosmetic surgery can make you look younger

Jesus was not a goalkeeper ”


Addster at 3:30 pm on April 12th, 2010

10 to be going on with…

> Big Macs have shrunk over the years.

> People who drive sports cars are more likely to exceed the speed limit.

> The new “Star Wars” trilogy is inferior to the old.

> It’s a mistake to get your partner’s name tattooed on your body.

> Ringo Starr has had the weakest solo career of the four Beatles.

> Furniture from IKEA is tricky to assemble.

> Episodes of “The Simpsons” focusing on Lisa aren’t as funny.

> It’s healthier to sleep during the night.

> Learning another language will be more beneficial than playing Nintendo/ PlayStation/Xbox.

> Seven-two offsuit is the worst possible starting hand in poker.

Had to throw that last one in for the hostess :-)


David Young at 3:59 pm on April 12th, 2010

What about the ‘conventional wisdom’ that Charlie Brooker is some sort of genius?


Rog at 6:19 pm on April 12th, 2010

1)The policing pledge is just a statement of ideas and doesnt mean anything to the general public

I would challenge the above…...


MisterBob at 6:30 pm on April 12th, 2010

Black jelly babies taste different.
Fish & Chips taste better in old newspaper.
Chefs don’t like their own food.
Smoking gives you a sexy voice.
Germans have no sense of humour.
Women like a man to have a sense of humour.
Wine goes with food.
Lesbians can be cured by the right man.
Work is there for those who want it.
You can find out anything on the internet.
All the nuclear bombs could crack open / destroy the earth.
Money isn’t real.
There is no such thing as original thought.
Girls called Victoria don’t like being called Vicky.


Suzy Watts at 6:38 pm on April 12th, 2010

Tiger Woods shot himself in the foot - why is he surprised that it hurts like hell?

Which of the major political parties is most politically correct?

Are all -isms bad?

Is Professor Brian Cox the first sexy scientist?

Why, if Family Guy is the funniest cartoon on the planet, are all the spin-off shows dire?

If twenty20 cricket is so ‘popular’ on the Indian sub continent, why do the spectators all sing and dance and shout all through the games instead of concentrating on the game?

If global warming is gripping our planet, why do I need warmer clothing this year than last?


The Journapist at 6:57 pm on April 12th, 2010

‘We are in disagreement’ - I believe is a disprovable statement.

‘Intelligence is attractive’

‘The would be no wars if women ruled the world’

‘Men who boast about sex are never any good at it’


The Tim at 6:57 pm on April 12th, 2010

Before we get completely carried away….

No-one will ever have the courage to buzz on the first item on a sequence in Only Connect.


Pete at 7:14 pm on April 12th, 2010

Here’s a couple, hope they’re of use.

1. In TV talent shows the pause before the result is not suspense building, but rather it is annoying in its length.

2.Showing any sort of intelligence alienates you in modern society.


Lindsey Crawford at 7:30 pm on April 12th, 2010

Young people actually have a bloody hard time of it nowadays compared to previous generations.

Meeting your partner on the internet is still weird.

Bars are terrible places to meet your future partners.

People are defined by their profession.

BBC content is better than that of commercial providers.

Being nationalist in England is no longer acceptable.

Critics’ opinions of music are more based on credibility than content.

Newspapers should charge people to read their content online.

The 1990s should not be seen as “retro.”

Life for kids is more dangerous now than in the past.

Science subjects are harder than arts & humanities subjects.

Tony Blair was a bad Prime Minister.

Banning smoking in cars is going “too far.”

Newspapers can win an election for a particular party.


Roger at 8:23 pm on April 12th, 2010

Oh dear, typical, I never read the instructions so this is my original effort amended and an added alternative:

PROGRESS IS MERELY THE EXCHANGE OF ONE NUISANCE FOR ANOTHER.

or

PROGRESS WAS ALRIGHT ONCE BUT NOW IT HAS GONE ON FOR FAR TOO LONG.


Keith at 8:56 pm on April 12th, 2010

Spangles were really great sweets when we were kids

Swearing is neither big nor clever

Victoria Coren will never marry me in a million years


Mark at 9:08 pm on April 12th, 2010

British weather is awful.

People who write on internet message boards should find something better to do.

Nobody is interested in politics.

There are too many pigeons.

Katie Price is a bad role model for young women.

You should look both ways before crossing the road.


Don Rudston at 9:25 pm on April 12th, 2010

Victoria. Theres a rumour that in the event that there is cabin depressurisation on a Ryanair plane it will be necessary to feed a one pound coin into a slot machine before you can use the oxygen mask.  Vouchers which save you 25 pence can be had from Ryanair if paid for in advance


Lusipher Diablo at 9:29 pm on April 12th, 2010

Having sex with a married/attached person is wrong

We should put children first

The television shouldn’t be used as a babysitter


Andrew B at 9:37 pm on April 12th, 2010

Radio is more intelligent than television.

Radio 4 is more intelligent than Radio 1.

Men are keener on sport than women. (Yes, I realise this can be interpreted in two ways…)

Cars are less “green” than bikes.

The BNP aren’t very nice.

The best teams on Only Connect are the losing semi-finalists (just kidding :-) )


Jim at 9:47 pm on April 12th, 2010

“Laugh tracks” on tv sitcoms serve only to demean the audience and never enhance viewing pleasure.


Pete at 10:01 pm on April 12th, 2010

Middle Lane drivers are the curse of the motorway system.  They should get penalty points on their licences.


Jim at 10:13 pm on April 12th, 2010

The attention span of young people has reduced.

Gaming is addictive.

Laughter is the best medicine.

Mass production of consumer goods has resulted in cheaper products ( c.f. training shoes).

Cruelty is wrong.

No one is entirely content with their body image.

Equidistance is a curse.


Tim at 10:38 pm on April 12th, 2010

People that talk about their iPhone Apps are antisocial bores


Andy at 10:52 pm on April 12th, 2010

Giles Coren should be on telly more.


john cowburn at 10:57 pm on April 12th, 2010

- health and safety laws produce soft and unadventurous kids
- crime pays
- there is no greater good
- western society is heading for an apocalypse
- although kids lie by instinct, parents believe their kids tell the truth
- etc etc ad nauseam


Oliver at 11:01 pm on April 12th, 2010

* Computers have improved people’s lives
* Smoking is bad for society
* Pop music is worse today than in the 1970s
* Money does not bring you happiness
* Government spending is inefficient
* The wage difference between men and women is unacceptable
* Politics is more influential in most people’s lives than sport.
* George W. Bush was a bad president
* Reading books makes you smarter
* People shouldn’t be allowed to drink in public places
* University tuition fees don’t help motivate students
* Golf is a sport


Kit at 11:02 pm on April 12th, 2010

Inequality is a bad thing.
Gambling is harmful.
Dishonesty in politics is undesirable.
We should all try to get fitter.
Our armed services can do no wrong.
It is important to respect the police.
Respect must be earned.
Music isn’t what is used to be.
Elvis was great.
It’s a good thing that folk music is coming back.
People should clear up after their dogs.
We should cherish our wildlife.
All religious belief deserves respect.
Men should go out of their way to respect women in the workplace.
Feminism - its work is done.
You should read your children a bedtime story.


jack at 11:06 pm on April 12th, 2010

How about;

Taking a sickie is a bad thing to do

Just wondered what the general opinion is before I ring in tomorrow


adam at 12:06 am on April 13th, 2010

gotta say yay gamblers, and a great Only Connect final all round.
some great ideas above, i like dave’s, having been to a party recently where the food was a veritable riot of beige.
a few people have touched on the way kids have become the scapegoats for broken britain. i would like to see the voting age abolished, let 5 year olds vote on whether they go into daycare and teenagers have a say on the mosquito thing. really i would like to see how party political broadcasts have changed. so,

voting age should stay at 18
winning poker tournaments is better than sex
the now show is funny
jonathon ross was overpaid


Andrew at 12:16 am on April 13th, 2010

1. Respect is what previous generations understood…..

2. Education is better but exams are easier and grades are easier…...

3. Poker should be the new A-Level,,,,,,,sorry had to have something that was a little less serious….

PS I love the idea of the show I just hope that enough people watch it for whom a change is needed…..


James at 12:49 am on April 13th, 2010

Politics is sexier in the USA

The iPad will revolutionise technology

Tesco will eventually take over the world

Music festivals are becoming too expensive to the consumer

The World Cup will take South African economy to the next level

England can win the World Cup

Efficiency has ruined local commerce

The Cider duty should not rise regardless of who is in power come May 7th

The gambling industry is recession proof

The increase in music downloads has lowered the quality of music artists in the 21st century.

Blondes have more fun.

Andddd that’s all I can think of right now.

Hope it helps.

J x


Oliver at 1:13 am on April 13th, 2010

* Bowties are not fashionable
* Saving the Whales
* Democracy is the best political system
* You shouldn’t eat animals which are kept as pets (dogs, cats, horses)
* People should wear tops while walking in town centres
* Only Fools and Horses was funny
* 2 TV channels aren’t enough
* There is no problem with your National Insurance Number containing letters
* It is acceptable for the Jackson 5 to reform since the death of Michael
* Barack Obama is cool


Richard MILLS at 1:15 am on April 13th, 2010

First I thought it would be fun to use a tautology, along the lines of:

Fat people are too fat!

That would be funny.

Instead.

1.  Power is eventually abused

2.  Art is useful for a happy existence

3.  You cant win a poker tournament within the first hour.  (assuming it isnt an hour long and will probably last for at least 5)


Martin Baxter at 2:03 am on April 13th, 2010

One glass of wine a day is good for you. (I’m good until 2082).

There is no gravity, the Earth sucks!

Mother knows best.

The Beatles were more famous than Jesus.

Everyone can wire a plug!

Dyslexics have an unfair advantage in the ‘no vowels’ round.

No one has ever used the very top note on a piano.

Better stop now.


BenSix at 2:10 am on April 13th, 2010

Winston Churchill was an admirable fellow.

Bono is pretentious.

Licking one’s emptied plate is an unseemly habit.

The Insane Clown Posse aren’t the greatest band of all time.

Shakespeare could write.

The Apocalypse is unwelcome.


Paul B at 2:32 am on April 13th, 2010

Committing a terrorist act is inappropriate to cover up being late for work.

Cyclists are saving the planet.

God should have known better….

If Pandas can’t be bothered to mate they should be left to die out.

As cats always land on their feet and toast always falls butterside down, starpping a piece of buttered toast to a cat’s back and dropping it from a 4th story window will create perpetual spinning motion just prior to impact.

Dogs hate cats but sometimes pretend otherwise.

Cows can be used effectively to clear minefields.

Babies absorb food through the pores on their faces.

A computer connected to the internet is constantly under attack by fraudsters.

The French always surrender.

All women really want is a man with a seven figure bank balance who can breathe through his ears.


Colin at 2:41 am on April 13th, 2010

The retirement age needs to increase so that the pension system doesn’t go bankrupt

Schools and hospitals have too many managers and not enough teachers/nurses/doctors

Declining literacy standards threaten our culture

Immigrants to the UK should learn to speak English

Politicians are only in it for the money

Drink-driving is unforgivable


Perry at 4:09 am on April 13th, 2010

Ok, some opinions:

1) The marriage of Carla Bruni and Nicolas Sarkozy will not last.

2) Jedward will fade into obscurity.

3) There is nothing more annoying than people who play their music loudly on their mobile phones in public places.


David Young at 4:29 am on April 13th, 2010

Gynaecologists should not be funny.


J ason ? at 5:25 am on April 13th, 2010

Things happen,people change.


Andrew Palmer at 7:47 am on April 13th, 2010

Is divorce sexist?

Why does VAT even exist?

Why can’t we talk about immigration on the media without being labelled a racist?

Do Politicians rarely say yes or no because they simply do not know the answer to all our problems?

Is the BBC Sexist?


Graham at 8:23 am on April 13th, 2010

“Everyone’s talking about pop music”

“Cars are too reliant on electronics/computers nowadays”

“vinyl sounds better than CD”


Carsten at 9:19 am on April 13th, 2010

You’re more likely to be overtaken agrressively by someone in a German car.

Foodstuffs have to come from a region to deserve the name.

We don’t need Libraries now that we have the internet


Paul B at 11:07 am on April 13th, 2010

A swan can break a mans arm with it’s wing.

A swans neck is a good alternative to toilet paper.

TV archaeology is exciting.

All women have, at some point, considered using a tape worm as an aid to weight loss.

4X4 drivers are evil.


Baz at 11:15 am on April 13th, 2010

Airport security is just for show, to make the passengers feel safer.

Jesus was Jewish, despite having a Mexican name.

Medicine is too driven to keep people alive regardless of the quality of life.

The EU prevents wars in Europe. Except Yugoslavia, Kosovo, South Ossetia, ...

Society rates Health and Safety too highly, valuing the lives saved with no costing of the lifetimes of time wasted on it


Patrick Fitzsimmons at 12:06 pm on April 13th, 2010

Democracy is a well hidden sham and does not exist

The last breath of a starving child is proof that God does not exist

Politicians take lessons in how to lie

Addiction is a failure within the person and not the thing they are addicted to


Peter Collins at 12:37 pm on April 13th, 2010

Personally, I’d have ‘Victoria Coren’s poker column in The Guardian is beautifully written gibberish’. I hope I don’t need to include a winking emoticon to signify my admittedly poor joke, VC.


MDW at 12:42 pm on April 13th, 2010

A wife/girlf should be younger (half you age plus 7 years)

Old TV seemed better till you watch it again and then realise it was rubbish

Chocolate bars were bigger in the 80’s

Policemen look really young and much shorter

Most people would use the rail system but currently it cost 5 times the price of driving there (or flying)

You should never sleep with one or all of your friends ex’s

You should never sleep with your friends wife

You should never sleep with your friends mum (or gran)

MP’s should have all worked in the private sector for a min of 10 years before becoming an MP (and should all look old and wise)

When you go to see ‘Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs’ they should all be dwarfs not some dwarfs and some midgets

Jim Davidson should never be on TV again


@Herring1967 at 12:50 pm on April 13th, 2010

80’s retro has become so very tiresome (bit overdone)

90’s retro is inevitable

00’s retro is just STUPID

People who go on about having OCD, Asperger syndrome etc are SO irritating

Asperger syndrome is not for just for Christmas - it’s also for party ice breakers. “Did u know Tom’s like autistic? - that’s like sooo cool!!” Arseheads. Why isn’t paranoid schizophrenia in vogue?

Paranoid schizophrenia should be in vogue

God is real (actually that’s non-debatable as it’s a fact) DEAL WITH IT PEOPLE

Men often use an innocent childlike facade to appear non-threatening, but are really PURE EVIL (and women love it)

Art has absolutely no purpose

Without art the world serves no purpose

Purpose rhymes with burpose (childlike innocence - watch out!)

Children are NOT innocent


MDW at 12:56 pm on April 13th, 2010

as a drink, water is overrated

sportswear should only be worn if you’re playing sports

models with small hands should not be allowed to advertise cheese burgers


Sam at 1:45 pm on April 13th, 2010

Tiger Woods/John Terry/Ashley Cole are not very good husbands

If Richard Littlejohn and Amanda Platell have one glass of sherry too many at the Daily Mail Christmas party and fuck their baby should be adopted and raised by Nick Griffin to ensure a less prejudiced upbringing

Jimmy Fricke is a freak and very weird dude


Perry at 4:02 pm on April 13th, 2010

1) Peter Stringfellow is just a dirty old man.

2) Tiger Wood’s sex addiction is just an excuse.

3) The marriage of Nicolas Sarkozy and Carla Bruni will not last the test of time.

4) Peter Andre will never be a singing sensation.

5) You don’t need to be intelligent, to become a Member of Parliament.

6) Chris de Burgh was the Jedward of the 80’s

7) Everybody needs a holiday every now and then to relax.

8) Each new generation is smarter than the previous.

9) There is no worse comedian/human-being than Jim Davidson.

9) Any relationship with an age difference over thirty years is creepy.


The Tim at 4:20 pm on April 13th, 2010

“Putting up a blog asking suggestions for a radio programme called ‘Heresy’ is a huge mistake.”


Chris at 4:21 pm on April 13th, 2010

Never talk about Politics, or Religion (in polite company). Which begs the question, how does democracy work?!

Blondes have more fun.

Chocolate is better than sex?! Either I’m eating the wrong chocolate…or…

If it’s heresy…then…9/11 was not an inside job. Cui bono?

Heathrow is the crappiest airport in the world.

Stephen Fry should be PM?! Not sure enough agree on this though….

Power corrupts.

The opening ceremony for the London 2012 Olympics is going to be an embarrassment compared to Chinas. I predict hackney cabs, double decker buses, beafeaters, the spice girls, “sir” Cliff Richard, Brian May, and “lord” Peter Mandelson (who will be lord protector or dictator by then). Let the games begin. *shudder*

Lol Paul B, some nice ones, but TV Archaeology is not exciting.


Chris at 4:50 pm on April 13th, 2010

Inspired by some of the other ideas…
Bestiality is wrong.
Child sacrifice is wrong.
Cannibalism is wrong.
Slavery is wrong.
Suicide, and suicide bombers, are wrong.
Paedophiles are wrong.
Nuclear waste is not a good legacy.


Graham at 4:52 pm on April 13th, 2010

“Monster Munch are not as nice as they were in the 80s”


Fitch at 5:43 pm on April 13th, 2010

Dear Victoria,
once again you brightened up my Sunday morning, I thank you!

But the smile soon disappears when reading some of the dross that’s written afterwards in the comments section.

Why do people who have obviously got an issue with you anyway, bother to read your column in the first place?

The same happened here after your TV appearance lately.

I hope those jealous dipshits don’t start to take over this space.

Here’s one for Heresy;
“Being popular takes up too much room”

I promise I won’t apply for tickets this year!!! Remember the “lady boxers” one?

Loadsa luv,
Fitch


MarkP at 7:26 pm on April 13th, 2010

1.  Changing the clocks is now outdated.
2.  Duvet days are acceptable.
3.  You never tire of ‘Downfall’ meme’s (even the one where he hears of the Downfall memes).
And on a different subject, the hass, hess, hiss question on the GRAND final of OC. I shouted at the TV… Zebra….please, please, please let it be a Zebra. I thought finally someone with authority had come to stand up for the Black Country dialect, but instead you chose a picture of some unknown actor. Shame on you for not showing the stripey hoss.


The Tim at 7:58 pm on April 13th, 2010

‘The moderator on Victoria Coren’s website must think she’s not being paid enough.’

‘Victoria Coren is very wise not to respond to the ridiculous posts on this thread.’


Joe at 10:05 pm on April 13th, 2010

“Mass education is a good way to teach our youth”


Duffer at 10:59 pm on April 13th, 2010

i) It’s advisable never to eat anything bigger than your own head.

ii) Children born in 2010 should not be named Keith.


Adrian at 11:23 pm on April 13th, 2010

Ok. 3 from me:

Most people think that a man wouldn’t fake an orgasm.

Most people need to know that there is someone worse off than themselves.

Most people believe that they do not drive too close to the car in front.

Have fun on the show!


Becs R at 11:56 pm on April 13th, 2010

The UK public WANTS to watch puerile phone-voting, popularity contest, dumbed-down pap because it doesnt know any better, and this is a good use of budgets?. OR….....people choose to watch this because the broadcasters are being irresponsible in continuing to make these progs, rather than giving them high-quality, educational and entertaining programmes? i.e. is it demand prompting supply or supply promoting demand? If UK programme makers stopped making them, and gave people a better option (much like re-educating the nation over diet), we would be culturally the richer for it…SO broadcasters have a duty and shouldn’t pander and squander budgets to supply pap to be competitive. why is all the decent stuff relegated to BBC 3/4 etc.(OK this needs editing…..but heartfelt and honest!)


Kenny Campbell at 1:26 am on April 14th, 2010

“Cold callers are a nuisance”

“Only Connect makes me feel stupid”


Xavier at 4:31 am on April 14th, 2010

1) It is mostly oddballs who believe that aliens are visiting the planet Earth.

2) Vagina topiary is not an art form.

3) There is no dignified way of dying from auto-erotic-asphyxiation.

4) The content of youtube should be moderated under certain circumstances.

5) Animals which have traditionally made good pets, such as cats and dogs, should be excluded from the menu.

6) Being polite, patient, and respectful should be the default settings for anyone who serves customers.

7) If wages were paid to workers according to how important their work is, then professional sportsmen would earn less than members of the emergency services.

8) There are some things that should always be taboo.

9) Social networking websites should never be able to sell personal information about their users.


Glenn Broadway at 10:33 am on April 14th, 2010

Facebook friends are not real friends.


Janet O at 10:40 am on April 14th, 2010

People are really more interested in the lives of celebrities than they are in anything important

Celebrities/ people who make a living out of just being famous have not the same right to privacy as non celebrities.


Adders at 2:35 pm on April 14th, 2010

Newspapers and Television are dead.
Freedom of choice is sometimes too much choice
The pope should be arrested “for crimes against humanity”.
Men who wear ‘funny’ frocks should not be allowed near children (includes panto dames)
English libel laws need to change.
People who work in an office wish they could work from home so they could spend all their time watching porn
Community spirit is dead
Food prices should be representative of their calorific value /Bulimics are failed anorexics/
Nothing tastes as good as thin feels. etc
Married people stay together longer if they live apart
Men are no longer necessary to women.
Young boys need a father figure.
Helicopter parents should be shot.
Delegation is the only way to manage.
Eddie Izzard is a good runner but totally mental.


Lee Man Rhymes at 9:24 pm on April 14th, 2010

When meeting the Queen, it’s inappropriate to “goose” her.

My mum is always right

You shouldn’t turn up to work drunk.


Andrew at 10:03 pm on April 14th, 2010

The Daily Mail is evil.
What goes up must come down.
If at first you don’t succeed try, try again.


Alex at 11:57 pm on April 14th, 2010

Single/childless people are selfish!

mmm lets see. Perhaps I should find someone I can burden all my inadequacies on and spawn a few sprogs (regardless of the odds against their survival to old age) just to make me feel better about my own failure.

Is that the sorta thing you were looking for?

eg
I was watching a (reality) programme where the police raided a house, and the mum (ie the grandma) of the householder said:
“leave her alone she’s got rights, she’s a mother!”

...Run that one by me again?


Emily Mangles at 12:36 am on April 15th, 2010

Brown shoes with a black suit are NEVER acceptable.

State intervention with civil liberties has gone too far.


Lynsey at 1:43 am on April 15th, 2010

Hi Victoria

Just a couple of ideas.

“You can’t miss something you have never had.”

“It is impossible to love anyone else if you do not love yourself.”

Looking forward to the show.  I am sure it will be great since it involves you.  :o)  I’ve really enjoyed your recent TV appearances and my Monday evenings are not going to be the same without Only Connect.


Gavin Whitlock at 2:10 am on April 15th, 2010

Though I’m new here, as a follower of Radio 4 comedy, I’ve been a fan ever since you took over from David Baddiel on Heresy; also since your HIGNFY appearance I’ve discovered Only Connect & it’s a brilliant show, so thank you for all of the above.
As for Heresy:
“Sporting events should take priority over normal programming” (so that we don’t get to see the extended HIGNFY that you were on because of GOLF - especially after sitting through it with that *&%$ from UKIP last week! grr…)
Similarly, “arts / culture programmes are minority interest”
“breaking the speed limit is more dangerous than driving in the middle lane, pulling out without indicating, etc”
“universal sufferage is a good thing.”
“racism is worse than personal abuse” (I’m ginger…)

All the best, Gav


anne at 10:21 am on April 15th, 2010

[MODERATOR: I’M WORRIED ABOUT PUTTING UP THE FIRST RECEIVED OPINION LISTED HERE. I HAVE LEFT THE POST UNEDITED, SINCE IT’S A THREAD ABOUT HERESY AND THAT’S A PROGRAMME WHICH WOULDN’T LIKE KNEE-JERK CENSORSHIP! AND ALSO BECAUSE I’M SURE ANNE IS LISTING IT AS A RIDICULOUS OPINION THAT SHE’D LIKE TO SEE ATTACKED. THOUGH VC AND I DO NOT THINK IT IS A WIDELY HELD OPINION!]

How about

All disabled people, except for Stephen Hawking, are thick.

or

Some children do not have special learning needs, they are just thick.

or

blonde is not prettier than brunette

or

sometimes it is better to lie, than tell the truth


John at 12:29 pm on April 15th, 2010

Doctor Who has an enviable lifestyle.

More people would rather massage Amy Pond than Sarah Jane.

Give a bloke a big car and a bow-tie and the second thing he’ll pull is a kissogram.


MDW at 12:42 pm on April 15th, 2010

It’s a tough call but I think sometimes censorship is a good thing, I don’t think many people would argue for Anne’s first opinion


David at 1:20 pm on April 15th, 2010

VC shd ignore a virtual admirer…

btw, its not your intellect, its simply your diffident cuteness

D.


Derek Jenkins at 2:16 pm on April 15th, 2010

Too much chocolate is bad for you
Drinking water is good for your constitution
Men are obsessed with sex
Women are obsessed with shopping
BMW drivers are ignorant
Fiat drivers are loopy
Darts is a sport for fat men
Spiderman is the greatest superhero (you can’t argue with that)

Keep up the good work VC!


Alan Glaum at 2:19 pm on April 15th, 2010

Putting up University fees would be bad for poor students

Rugby players are better behaved than professional footballers

In elections, you should vote for the person not the party


Sparkly at 2:45 pm on April 15th, 2010

Men look stupid wearing flip-flops
Men don’t know how to wear flip-flops (well I don’t, they always fall off and give me cramp in my toes)
Women should always shave their arm pits
Boxing for women should be banned.
Dyslexia is an excuse for people who can’t spell.
Leslie Ash should never have had colagen implants in her lips.


Sparkly at 3:24 pm on April 15th, 2010

The consensual age for having sex should not be any lower than 16.


The Tim at 6:41 pm on April 15th, 2010

There is a Victoria-Coren-shaped hole on my TV screen

There is not a single preposition that you can end a sentence with.


Perry at 8:24 pm on April 15th, 2010

Beauty is, really, only skin deep.


Scott Hodgson at 1:03 am on April 16th, 2010

Victoria Coren is breathtakingly effervescently gorgeous. I missed the final of Only Connect, and wondered if she could pop round with the result? We could have some Tetley Extra Strong, and I’d let her win at cards…..... On a Heresy note,  Religion has never been so unreligious….....


Rob BC at 1:23 am on April 16th, 2010

Global warming is caused by man-kind.

One can never survive a zombie outbreak.


KlooRhee at 1:52 am on April 16th, 2010

BBC lost its (never had been in) touch with general public.

Paedophiles are the greatest danger to our children.

File-sharing is hurting the entertainment industry.

Troops should be withdrawn from Afghanistan.

Infidelity (in relationship) can cost you a job.

Madeleine McCann is dead.

I’d rather donate to some charity then buy Big Issue.

Current pope is hurting the image of catholic church.

.....None of my friends agreed on these:

Internet is dumbing down kids.

Violent video games teach young people how to cause pain.

Fast food is sometimes the only way to feed yourself.

Being adult virgin is sad/inappropriate.


Colin at 2:17 am on April 16th, 2010

You should treat someone’s religious convictions with more respect than you treat their choice of football team

High-definition TV looks noticeably better than standard-definition TV

Blog comments are worth reading


Andrew Palmer at 11:28 am on April 16th, 2010

Aha! Just got two tickets to see the show on the 26th of May and its my Birthday too - so: more ideas

did we get the right result? (6th of may of course…)
Is posting more points on VC’s site - stalking?

Thanks for the reply to my tweet BTW…


Mark Pearsonark Pear at 4:14 pm on April 16th, 2010

Cheryl Cole is the nations sweetheart


Richard Woods at 4:27 pm on April 16th, 2010

If war is too important to be left to generals then isn’t politics too important to be left to politicians?

Is it a good thing that politicians are getting younger when the world is getting older?

Why are there more policemen than ever but you can never find one?

And finally, your lovely Dad would be proud of you!


Mike L at 4:58 pm on April 16th, 2010

1. Marketing is the bane of the modern world.

2. Everything costs too much.

3. Humans are essentially greedy.

4. The only good MPs are unelected.


Xavier at 5:27 pm on April 16th, 2010

Hope it’s not too late to add a few more:

10) The Panda Bear should be saved from extinction (despite the genetic frailties/inflexibility of the species)

11) It is unacceptable to turn up to work unkempt.

12) Skinny models are (sexually) unattractive.

13) It is rude or insensitive or socially unacceptable or inappropriate to inform a co-worker (including your boss) that he/she has offensive body odour.

14) Students should not be allowed access to the internet during exams.

Whatever happened to Balderdash and Piffle? Any chance of a new series? Anyway, I really admire your work - thank you. I think it’s time I learned how to play poker.


joeking at 6:12 pm on April 16th, 2010

People who vote for war should have their arms chopped off.

Porn is an elitist activity.

Padded bras help pedos jerk off.


happenstance at 10:23 pm on April 16th, 2010

- the world is owned and run by gangsters…..
- politics ia a soap opera…
-politicians are puppets…
-multinational corprate gansters pull their strings…
-There are no nations.
-There are no peoples.
-There are no Russians.
-There are no Arabs.
-There are no third worlds.
-There is no West.
-There is only one holistic system of systems, one vast and immane, interwoven, interacting, multivariate, multinational dominion of dollars. Petro-dollars, electro-dollars, multi-dollars, reichmarks, rins, rubles, pounds, and shekels. It is the international system of currency which determines the totality of life on this planet. That is the natural order of things today. That is the atomic and subatomic and galactic structure of things today!


Saul Richardson at 1:08 am on April 18th, 2010

The NHS is clearly run on The Peter Principle


King John II at 11:51 am on April 18th, 2010

Greetings Ms Victoria

It is I, King John

Nice site, easy on the eye, good vibe.
Heresy?
’ If a woman ever does anything for you SHE will never forget it ’

Farewell, anon


Rick at 2:19 pm on April 19th, 2010

Brian on the 12th was very prescient:
“Air travel is no longer something to look forward to”
I amend this to:
Air travel is no longer something.


Victoria Coren

News: March 2017


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