Victoria Coren Mitchell - Writer, Broadcaster & Poker Player

Return Of The Platell Game

Saturday, 30 October 2010

We haven’t played this for a while, have we?

You may be unfamiliar with The Platell Game, in which we try to guess which way the capricious and successful Daily Mail columnist Amanda Platell will jump on issues of the day. It’s harder than you’d think. Newcomers should familiarize themselves with the basics here.

  Platell is not a simple woman. Once you think you have mastered the basic principle of “Is Amanda for or against this? I’m often surprised…” she will throw a curve ball, as we discovered when we played The Platell Game Level X.

  In today’s column, another such curve ball has been thrown. With that hint, we begin…

What is Amanda’s opinion?

  The story is that David Miliband has been photographed at home in front of a favourite painting. Amanda explains concisely:

“David Miliband has a huge painting of 13 nude, dancing women on his living room wall. The £2,000 work has been dismissed as ‘middle-brow junk’. It was a birthday present from his wife and friends say Miliband loves it.”

  So… does Amanda think that the painting is awful, and go on to have a laugh at the expense of people who buy modern nudes? Or does she think that art critics are snobs, there’s nothing wrong with middlebrow and the painting is lovely? Or (remember level X) is it both? - does Amanda think it’s an awful painting but does great credit to David Miliband that he loves it just because it was a birthday present from his wife?


  Think think think…..


  Scroll down…..

  None of the above! Amanda’s conclusion - after no further argument, following DIRECTLY on from “It was a birthday present from his wife and friends say Miliband loves it” - is:

“Truly, the more we know about the Miliband brothers the more we question the fitness of either to head Her Majesty’s Opposition.”

  Yes. The fact that David Miliband loves a painting bought for him by his wife means that Ed Miliband is unfit to lead the Labour Party. If you got that right: 1000 points.





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Paul Holloway at 3:25 pm on October 30th, 2010

I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m rubbish at this game.  I tend to fare better at predicting next month’s winning premium bond numbers, but it’s just not as much fun.

jim carr at 6:57 pm on October 30th, 2010

Victoria, if you are going to create a game based on an imaginary friend, then you need that “friend” to be fairly uncomplicated. An example would be GORDON BROWN’S imaginary friend, PRUDENCE. When he was chancellor, he played the PRUDENCE game every time he made a budget speech. This continued until such time as UK plc went bankrupt, and gordon was taken away by the men in white coats. To avoid this fate,you should make m. Platell a more realistic creation, nobody in their right mind would find her believable.  xx jim.

Amanda at 8:19 pm on October 30th, 2010

Miss Platell didn’t get where she is today by having one coherent view and sticking to it.

She has been able to climb a wide variety of greasy poles (News International, Conservative Party, Daily Mail, etc.,) by making sure she is able to hold at least 3 inconsistent views at any one time.

Spearmint Rhino has seen nothing like it…...

dg at 9:21 pm on October 30th, 2010

Clearly insane. However, I was more interested in the hoo-hah surrounding that painting. This article was interesting:

The cruellest ‘insight’ comes from that familiar character of tabloid journalism, ‘a friend’ (for ‘a friend told us’ read ‘I reckon that’). Apparently, David regards the painting as ‘deep and meaningful.’ Possibly he does. Possibly.

According to the article, the photographer ‘couldn’t stand [the painting]!’ so whose decision was it to sit the Milibands in front of it? And what thought process went into framing the photo in such a way that the subjects occupy little more of the photo than the aforementioned atrocity?

dg at 9:24 pm on October 30th, 2010

...and the less said about “Artist Dovey, 38, a mother of two who is married to a barrister,” the better…

The Tim at 9:44 pm on October 30th, 2010

....And apparently David Cameron once met a man whose next-door neighour’s cousin had a friend whose work-mate once went to a strip club.

Hang on, or did he watch a porn film directed by Victoria Coren - I forget which.

Lego at 10:20 pm on October 30th, 2010

I can understand her logic. For the unenlightened, the KEY is in the number of nude women in the painting. You see, 13 is a lucky number in Sikhism, and as we all know, Sikhs are similar to Muslims, by being not Christian, forrin, and generally not English.

So WE CAN CONCLUDE WITHOUT DOUBT that Ed Miliband, like Barack HUSSEIN Obama is a closet Muslim, and part of the global conspiracy to bring SHARIA LAW and SOCIALISM to all and remove all the hard won freedoms of the hard working families of our once great nation.

But I, for one, welcome our new overlord in waiting, OSAMA BIN Miliband.

*takes meds*

Bill Green at 12:46 am on October 31st, 2010

None of the above I got, the reason I couldn’t even begin to fathom.

King John II at 2:14 am on October 31st, 2010

What is the difference between modern nude paintings & pornography? Is this a case of VC looking both ways? What other dark secrets are yet to see the light in respect of the Brothers?

Also, I claim 750 points. Not on the nail, but not far off. God save the King.

Ian Phillips at 8:12 am on October 31st, 2010

After the opening line “Daily Mail columnist” I was expecting something like “estate agents say that this could knock at least 2% off house prices in the area”.

Julian at 9:49 am on October 31st, 2010

I do not deserve my 1000 points as I have given up reading most columns in newspapers. Platell is a mithering rambler who you would not like to sit next to at a social gathering. Ian Hyland slags everyone off, instead of the tv programmes he is supposed to be commenting on. Carole Malone manages to get the fact she ‘was fat’ into her column every week and don’t get me started on Amanda Holden or Brian Wulnough.

  Rant over, love Only Connect.

NJI at 11:32 am on October 31st, 2010

A film which combined the Platell game with the plot of Saw, would be the scariest movie ever made.

jonny at 2:23 pm on October 31st, 2010

I have it from a serious source that Stalin was the artist.

RomanticRecluse at 2:50 pm on October 31st, 2010

On Friday it was reported that a telecoms company has installed a 3G network which covers Mount Everest.  Yesterday someone at the highest point on the planet could (weather, bandwidth and computer battery permitting) find out what Amanda Platell thought about David Miliband’s taste in art and many other subjects and even post a comment on the Daily Mail’s website, although judging by the locations it seems no-one did (although A. Snowman from Nepal could have sent a comment about Cheryl Cole which breached the site’s rules).

If the inventors of the printing press, telephone and computer and the many other people with great minds involved in these amazing technological feats knew about this maybe their hearts would be filled with unbridled joy.

The human race: doesn’t it make you proud?

Jaz at 3:27 pm on October 31st, 2010

I can’t be bothered to read all this, because frankly it bores me, however just stopped by to tell you that I love you :)

Looking forward to your next column.

Peter at 7:07 pm on October 31st, 2010

Very amusing, a game that could provide hours of endless fun.  It would be intriguing to ask Amanda Platell herself to play - she might surpass herself and offer a completely different opinion on what she’d already put in print!

It’s a bit late but I also want to say how good last week’s Observer column on Kanye West’s teeth was.  Kanye’s “coolness” quandaries and “vajazzle the toilezzle with a little vomizzle” are still putting a smile on my face!   

palladian at 12:05 am on November 1st, 2010

Neither Milipede is fit to run Labour. One Milipede - at least - has crap taste in art. I’m channeling an ‘Only Connect’ moment here.

MDW at 11:18 am on November 1st, 2010

I don’t read anything she writes as you’d get more sense from a coke head, pissed up alien tramp with memory problems.

Last time she was on TV I did find her strangely attractive, prob just me.

I though for balance I should say that I watched only connect but didn’t much like it.

RomanticRecluse at 12:19 pm on November 1st, 2010

I don’t like The Platell Game.  Apart from involving the soul-sapping act of reading Amanda Platell’s column to the end the game is too simple.  It’s an either/or game like betting on a coin toss.

If you want more value instead of betting on which way Amanda will jump on issues you should bet on which issues Amanda will jump on.  For example, if last week you had placed an accumulator bet on Amanda writing about Muslims, Kate Middleton, Daybreak, Cheryl Cole, David Milliband and benefit scroungers all your horses would have come in.  This week?  Gays?  Terrorists?  Kerry Katona?  Early favourites, I’d say.  An account of a spiritual epiphany in a park which reads like Charlie Brooker on E?  Unlikely but you’d get good odds.

Study the form, conditions and odds and then place your bets.

Josh at 2:32 pm on November 1st, 2010

Here’s another game. The Kathy Lette game. In this game, you get points for working out the pun from the build-up in a Kathy Lette article. So for example, Kathy’s trouser leg has been caught in a bicycle chain. How does she describe the offending bike? Ten points for guessing ‘vicious cycle’.

Now try this one. Kathy has just written that men take more interest in the Volvo than the vulva. She goes on to say that they take more interest in the Tories than…what?

Come on, you can do it! That’s right, ‘the cli-tories’!  Ten points to you!

James at 3:59 pm on November 1st, 2010

Peter Cook and Dudley Moore once did a sketch set in an art gallery, where they discussed a picture of ladies showing their bottoms.  They couldn’t decided whether bottoms followed you around the room in the same way as eyes follow you around the room.

Perhaps this has a bearing on Amanda’s illogical viewpoint?

AndytheDealer at 5:08 pm on November 1st, 2010

I have to say I think it slightly unfair to ask a multiple choice question without including the answer.

It’s the sort of thing I think Amanda Platell would do if she was writing questions for a UK Citizens Test.

You really must stop reading her columns Vicky, she’s rubbing off on you!

No ‘Carry On’ pun intended.

Andre at 10:29 pm on November 1st, 2010

I camp outside Amanda’s house in protest at her offensive column. My tent blocks the right part of her gate forcing her, for one glorious moment, to lean to the left as she leaves home.  Victory!

Chris at 4:49 am on November 2nd, 2010

Hi VC, one should always remember that such a prestigious ‘newspaper’ as the Mail has standards to live up(?) to. The story then, and its conclusions, are completely in keeping with the rag’s even handed and common sense thinking.. aren’t they?

The Tim at 6:12 pm on November 2nd, 2010

How about playing the Coren game, where we try to guess how many posts it takes until our host responds to anything we write in this thread? – 25 and counting…

Sean B at 12:07 am on November 3rd, 2010

Well I scored zero, thinking all the girls in the picture were asylum seekers forced into slavery was a little off beam. Nice game though.

Victoria Coren at 1:56 am on November 3rd, 2010

Tim - that’s not fair, there wasn’t a question! I was just letting you get on with having a nice chat!

True, I don’t always respond to the comments but I do always read them when they’re up. And I try to answer, if there’s a question…

RomanticRecluse at 11:52 am on November 3rd, 2010

Vicky, I thought you were busy putting the final touches to, a website featuring the original Platell game and new ones like Platell roulette (like ordinary roulette but with bigger wheels and more balls), the missing word stakes (is Abu ­Izzadeen disgusting, odious, repulsive, nauseating, vile or the 100-1 shot cuddly?) and bitching bingo (“Legs eleven - Cheryl Cole”, “Top of the shop - Wayne Rooney”).

And if anyone wanted a break from Amanda Platell-based games they could also play No Limit Holden, a game based on the life and work of Amanda…

Hold on.  Can I see a pattern emerging?  Could it be a deep-seated envy of people called Amanda?  Platell?  Holden?  Any others?

Ian at 10:20 am on November 4th, 2010

“Truly, the more we know about the Miliband brothers the more we question the fitness of either to head Her Majesty’s Opposition.”

Does this mean that she thinks they should be heading Her Majesty’s Government?

Alan at 10:13 pm on November 4th, 2010

So the answer is a) Amanda agrees the painting is junk and derides David for liking. She thinks this reveals him to be a bit less like a good leader of the Labour Party.

She implies that we have recently learned things about Ed which show him in a poor light too.

What she does not do is argue that David liking something makes Ed rubbish.

-1000 points for taking a swipe at a straw man and missing.

RomanticRecluse at 7:24 pm on November 5th, 2010

If there’s going to be a round of a new version of the Platell game in which you guess the subjects she writes about rather than her opinions I’ll go for two stories about Muslims plus the BBC strike, Plymouth army cadets (with a side-bet on the use of the term “political correctness gone mad”), Colin Sherlock (a potential successor to the hate figure position held by “cat bin lady”) and Jason Manford.

I think a few female newspaper columnists will be writing about Jason Manford this weekend.

RomanticRecluse at 9:54 pm on November 16th, 2010

The Platell Game may have been fun in the past but now it may be about to get serious.  Prince William and Kate Middleton (or “Waity Katy” or “Weighty Katie”) have got engaged, she’s got Diana’s engagement ring and the wedding is going to take place in Britain’s new age of austerity.  What will Amanda Platell think of this and can the monarchy, the constitution and the country survive any attack from this leading thinker?

Dgy Geezer at 11:50 pm on December 7th, 2010

I knew that

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